Mary Jane

Mary Jane, I cannot get you out of my mind. You put me in the purest state of mind. Your presence helps me escape the cruelty and wrongdoing of the world we live in today. You make me wheeze, absent-minded, and more forgetting of the troubles of the world. You help me gravitate to a higher up of my thoughts and creativeness, midst while pushing away all the negative tension. When I am with you, I feel free. My mind free of any worry helps me to focus more on living in the moment instead of worrying about the past or what the future may hold. Soliloquizing, reminiscing, observing and appreciating the beauty of nature and the world around. You’re my stress reliever; no, you are the reason I stay sane. Mary Jane, I love you.

We have had our ups and downs. It was not until recent that I have discovered I may not possibly stay sane without you. In some sense, you make me who I am. Your presence from time to time succors my character, builds my conscious to think outside the box and unfollow the norm that society has put for the world’s population. However, I do recall the short period of time when we were constantly attached to each other. You were there for me when no one else was. You were my only friend. You were my late night kiss and my morning coffee. Nevertheless, I could not stop craving you throughout my day. As the stress levels built up throughout the day, the more I wanted to reach out to you and let all my worries run free. I became dependent on you where I could not possibly go a day without thinking about you. We then spent several of days together. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner, you were there playing with my head and making me superficially happy… But deep down I was still drowning in my own worries. I kept going back to you for help. You always seemed to have the answer. But constantly being together became unhealthy for us both. Being in your presence for too long made me overthink, anxious and lazy. Not to forget you were expensive. Sucking all the money out of my weekly checks, where I often did not care about because I was just happy to be with you. You pay your money and you take you choice, and I always chose you. It was not until you made me feel stupid to the world that really caused the breakdown in our relationship. Always in the noncaring state of mind caused me to overthink my actions, struggles and past too much causing me to sometimes wish for a death bed to no longer worry about being a loner or trying to satisfy others, where they never are happy with what you do. To lose the precious memories, where I wished I could go back and do them differently. You were nonstop nagging in my head, wishing I could go back and change the past but that is no man’s capabilities of doing so. What is done is done, convincing myself to move on, but you mind tricks made miserable about my past. Made me weak, unconfident in my decisions, care free of my appearance, and more importantly carefree to face the hardships of life. Yet having no one else but you by my side always made me go back to you. “One last kiss before I go to work…. One more hit before I went to school.” My mom began noticing the exhaustion in my eyes, the drowsiness in my movement. She knew what was wrong and told me to stop seeing you. But Mary Jane you were the light to my dark alley, the smoke to my lungs that gave me the greatest high, triggering my creativity and self-love.  But it wasn’t until we were always together making me go out of my way to just stay with you. Saying things like, “Call out baby, you look tired. Just come lay with me on the couch tonight and let’s watch animal planet. That’s more fun than work.” But little did you know I was with you to ignore my problems and you always knew how to win me over.

Before I would’ve replied back and said, “but babe I can’t, I need the money. I need the education, I need my life to run smoothly to get where I need to be in life but you’re making it more complicated.” But then I smell your strong scent linger into my nostrils, even more, teasing me to stay home with you and waste my time again. Essentially, I would convince myself to stay home claiming “maybe I don’t really need to go to class today, I just hope I don’t miss anything important.” Or if it was work “I could call out of work sick tonight, I don’t really need the money right now”… I just needed you. Then my lifestyle went downhill you started making me fall behind with my school work and responsibilities piling up as I sit with you wishing I never even met you. I hated the feeling of falling behind, being broke, missing class later resulting in the failure of my tests. It was all because of you, MJ. I then developed this hatred towards you. That is when I decided to separate for a while to try and get my shit straight again. But It seemed like I couldn’t get you out of my mind. It was then during our break up where I met another girl named Nikki.

Nikki came to me out of the bloom. Never in my mind thinking I would fall in love with a girl like her. She was trashy but her kisses were much softer, much sweeter, and much more pleasing to my mind. Her breath did stink, but her affection made me love the buzz of being with her. She was similar to you Mary Jane, yet she was easier to handle, easier to go out with, easier to make me function, easier for a quickie in the car and still be able to go to work and school. While with you, a quickie would turn into an all day thing. She was much more inexpensive and much less obsessive to be around. But Nikki did me dirty. Her trashiness got to me, burning me out. I became addicted to her and her withdrawals hurt me much more than you did. If it a was a few hours away, I would suddenly get headaches, so strong, that it developed into migraines. Nikki made my eye sockets saggy and black. She started craving me than I craved her, begging for me to remain with her. I too stupid, physically and mentally exhausted, to understand the consequences of staying with her. I then realized I became trashy myself. I became like Nikki. I then started being curiously conscious of the long-term consequences of staying with her. I knew for a fact if I stayed, I would be running risks of getting heart disease or lung cancer. As well as, lowering my life expectancy. So, I left her.

Mary Jane, it was during that time away with Nikki that showed me how much you were there for me. How much you helped me fight the feeling depression, that I wouldn’t tell anyone bu you. No one but you knew how to take it all in and tell me everything will be alright. Let my mind run loosely, carefree with no worries. I needed you… I was depressed again. I just did not know how to use you effectively. Mary jane, every time I inhale you, you would alter my neurotransmitters causing my brain to function at a steady rate. In the name of your affection that you exerted to me, called Tetrahydrocannabinol or THC, caused specific regions of my brain that dealt with thoughts, imagination, and perception to heighten to a point that whatever my senses picked up became much more enjoyable. Interestingly enough, you let my thoughts float freely in my head. A study just published online in Psychiatry Research suggested that this effect may be due to the drug causing ‘fast and loose’ patterns of spreading activity in memory, something known as ‘hyper-priming’. letting all the worry, thoughts and imagination loose. Pondering more freely creating more creative ideas in my brain. If I used you right, it was nothing but love. I started thinking outside the box, perceiving and observing human behavior from many different angles. Interoperating myself, in a higher conscious, to think of a certain person’s actions and thoughts as my own. Observing the actions of other people and understanding why and how they did that certain action. You also helped me with my sleep deprivation and muscle tensions. Where I would be late in bed, tossing and turning not being able to fall asleep. Or helping my body relax when all the stress and anger is built up. You were the helping hand to bypassing my struggles, loss of appetite, physical and mental stress, as well as insomnia symptoms. I discovered you were nowhere near as dangerous and addicting to my health as Nikki was, only if I used you right. Thus, I have come back to you. But this time in a much smarter way.

Instead of wasting my time with you, I began organizing my time much more efficiently. Seeing you only once a week, or whenever I felt like I was not wasting my time being with you. Time is something that none of us can seem to get right, especially with relationships. You used to make me throw away my plans I originally had and follow you into the hazy, wasteless unknown. Now, as an older, much wiser individual who is trying to manage his time more effectively has no issues with seeing you every once and awhile and maybe not at all. It was the unhealthy addiction between us that caused laziness and lack of self-determination to spike. Now, I have become less dependent on anyone and anything, and have become more dependent on myself. Realizing that my thoughts and actions dictate where and how I want to live the rest of my life. Mary Jane, I have no time to waste to be in a relationship. My focus has shifted to worrying more about what I need to get done to build my future. Therefore, I want to stay as friends, because believe it or not, you still are my only friend. You helped me self-discover myself and who I want to be. I still want to be buds that when we link up to relax, shut off our thoughts, live in the moment and forget about the stress of the world.